I've experienced death several times. Twice in college: a teammate of mine on the baseball team died in a car accident, and so did someone I worked with every day. More recently, my grandmother died of old age at 91 in 2007. Now, I wasn't all that close to those two people in college, and my grandmother's death, although heartbreaking, was not as bad as it could have been because the writing was on the wall.
I'm only thinking of this today, because my childhood friend's father is on death's door. He isn't just my good friend's father, but he's also my good friend. I think he's only about 64 years old or so, but the poor guy is dying. How did this happen? A life of hard living, smoking, drinking and the like? Nope, he ran 8 miles a day, ate well, and except for a beer or two every now and again he was one of the healthiest people I knew. A few years ago he was diagnosed with brain cancer. I don't know how he got this horrible disease, and out of respect for loved ones' feelings I don't dare to ask, but I suspect it has something to do with his time as a soldier in Vietnam. Perhaps he came back to the USA without a physical scratch, but I'd be willing to bet he's suffering from something he was exposed to over there, some 40 years ago.
This got me thinking about the nature of life, and how it's so temporary. I'm sure many people would look on the temporary nature of life, and see that solely because everyone has to die, life is terrible. In the case of someone who dies prematurely, the person arguing that the impermanence of life makes it stink, seems to have a good point. I personally think that tough times like today make me wish humans were immortal. But then, I think that even on days like today, it's the very fact that someone is going to die, and the impermanence of life that makes you appreciate the time you have with other people all the more. I guess I'm just thinking back on what I experienced with Mr. Maas: 1) Terminator II (opening night!), 2) him covering for us when we got caught with nudie mags, 3) Weekends at Frost Valley, and so many more great experiences. I guess I would cherish these memories even if everyone involved was immortal, but unfortunately that's not the case.
I guess if there's a moral to this entry, it's this: enjoy every day of your life, and try to make the best of it, because everyone dies, and invariably, there will come a time when you're incapable of enjoying the things you do now.
I'm thinking of you, my friend.
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
Penis Envy
Recently, I saw an article about Sarah Palin challenging Barack Obama to a long distance running race.
If you'd like to read the article, here's the link: http://www.adn.com/palin/story/849491.html
Anyway, the gist of the article is that Palin, apparently an avid runner, claims she could beat Obama in a running race. Apparently, she finished the 2005 Mayor's marathon in Anchorage in less than 4 hours, a pretty impressive time. To me this whole article smacks of the sort of "well my dad could beat up your dad..." retort often heard on the playground when I was a kid.
Anyway, I posted this story on facebook, and in an effort to make a joke, I commented on the post saying: "Looks like someone has presidential penis envy yet again... When will the gov. learn to shut the hell up to save what's left of her image?" Now I don't know whether this is her way of showing that she's still up for the job, or her way of trying to show why she perceives herself as a better candidate than now President Obama, and frankly I don't care. I just attributed her stupid statement to her being a retard.
Anyway, this gets me onto my point. A friend of mine (who is a politically correct lesbian, and likely an ardent feminist) commented on my post with the following: "Why's it got to be about his cock? I mean, maybe she's got white house envy or private chef envy or military escort envy." Originally I responded with the following: "Figure of speech. How about "presidential election winner envy"?" But then, on reconsideration I commented: "Upon further consideration, any of the replacement phrases don't have the same effect. I'd happily call it "[not penis] envy," but that's a little too watered down. If there was a phrase that didn't have to do with the male member that meant the same thing and had the same effect, I would use it. Unfortunately, I can't think of one." (emphasis added) Another of my friends jokingly suggested that I replace "penis" with "dildo," but I didn't think that would work either. I always thought the point of the term "penis envy" was that it was jealousy regarding something over which you have no control, and someone can always buy a dildo. Regardless, I don't think the phrase is comparable.
This got me thinking about political correctness, and language, and the damage done to our way of communication caused by hyper sensitivity and parochial, petty causes. Now, I'm not advocating the use of many truly bad terms, like "ni**er," "ki#e," "towel head," etc... I'm just saying if we stop using expressions like "penis envy" because we thing society is too emasculated, then we'll lose ourselves in a sea of words to try to express ourselves. And on top of that, we'll be wasting our time in trying to convey simple meanings with a sea of words. Wouldn't it just be a bit easier if we just accepted the fact that phrases which, because of the words used in them, may be associated with a particular sex, sexuality, gender, mental acuity, brain development, etc..., they also may be used to describe common expressions, and feelings for which there are no adequate synonims?
So in conclusion, go on out and say things like "penis envy," "retarded," "gay," and all other adjectives/phrases to explain things. Truth be told, many more people will know what you're saying than if you water it down in a sea of political correctness.
If you'd like to read the article, here's the link: http://www.adn.com/palin/story/849491.html
Anyway, the gist of the article is that Palin, apparently an avid runner, claims she could beat Obama in a running race. Apparently, she finished the 2005 Mayor's marathon in Anchorage in less than 4 hours, a pretty impressive time. To me this whole article smacks of the sort of "well my dad could beat up your dad..." retort often heard on the playground when I was a kid.
Anyway, I posted this story on facebook, and in an effort to make a joke, I commented on the post saying: "Looks like someone has presidential penis envy yet again... When will the gov. learn to shut the hell up to save what's left of her image?" Now I don't know whether this is her way of showing that she's still up for the job, or her way of trying to show why she perceives herself as a better candidate than now President Obama, and frankly I don't care. I just attributed her stupid statement to her being a retard.
Anyway, this gets me onto my point. A friend of mine (who is a politically correct lesbian, and likely an ardent feminist) commented on my post with the following: "Why's it got to be about his cock? I mean, maybe she's got white house envy or private chef envy or military escort envy." Originally I responded with the following: "Figure of speech. How about "presidential election winner envy"?" But then, on reconsideration I commented: "Upon further consideration, any of the replacement phrases don't have the same effect. I'd happily call it "[not penis] envy," but that's a little too watered down. If there was a phrase that didn't have to do with the male member that meant the same thing and had the same effect, I would use it. Unfortunately, I can't think of one." (emphasis added) Another of my friends jokingly suggested that I replace "penis" with "dildo," but I didn't think that would work either. I always thought the point of the term "penis envy" was that it was jealousy regarding something over which you have no control, and someone can always buy a dildo. Regardless, I don't think the phrase is comparable.
This got me thinking about political correctness, and language, and the damage done to our way of communication caused by hyper sensitivity and parochial, petty causes. Now, I'm not advocating the use of many truly bad terms, like "ni**er," "ki#e," "towel head," etc... I'm just saying if we stop using expressions like "penis envy" because we thing society is too emasculated, then we'll lose ourselves in a sea of words to try to express ourselves. And on top of that, we'll be wasting our time in trying to convey simple meanings with a sea of words. Wouldn't it just be a bit easier if we just accepted the fact that phrases which, because of the words used in them, may be associated with a particular sex, sexuality, gender, mental acuity, brain development, etc..., they also may be used to describe common expressions, and feelings for which there are no adequate synonims?
So in conclusion, go on out and say things like "penis envy," "retarded," "gay," and all other adjectives/phrases to explain things. Truth be told, many more people will know what you're saying than if you water it down in a sea of political correctness.
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
What's in a name?
Well, a little about me. I grew up in NYC. For those of you who are painfully ignorant (I highly doubt many of you are) about rap music, one of the four elements of hip-hop culture was created in the Bronx in the late 1970's. Now you might be saying: "Malcolm, I know you weren't born until the early 1980's (June 11, 1981, to be exact), so what does this have to do with you?" Well, I'll tell you. The first album I remember getting (on casette) was Tone Loc's "Loc-ed After Dark" which had the famous singles "Funky Cold Medina," and "Wild thing." on it.
Well, you may be saying, "Malcolm, I know full well that Tone Loc was from California, so what the hell does this have to do with the Bronx, and rap music?" The truth is, this really started my love affair with rap music, the strength and intensity of which may have waned from time to time over the years, but still holds a special place in my heart. Having lived in NYC my entire life until I turned 18, I couldn't help but be exposed to a critical mass of rap music, all of which was the cutting edge of rap music at the time (unlike today). I remember the first time I heard Onyx, Wu-Tang, Redman, Smif 'n' Wessun, and many other groups, all of which I immediately loved. I don't think I really thought I heard the pinnacle of hip hop greatness until I heard the likes of hard core rappers Fat Joe, Big Pun, Big L, and groups like Gang Starr. Through Fat Joe, and others I discovered D.I.T.C., which to this day remains my favorite rap group. The originators of D.I.T.C. back in 1990, among others were Showbiz & A.G., who eventually came out with a solo album in 1998, called "Full Scale." Full Scale is not necessarily the best album front to back, but it has some of my favorite songs ever, including the first track on the album "Themes, Schemes & Dreams."
With my love of the music, I fueled my hobby for many years: DJing, which led me to many different artists, some of whom I like, some of whom I no longer like, and some of whom I detest. Anyway, my blog name is a reference to the first track on a Show & A.G. album. May you be intelectually richer for knowing this information.
Here's a link to hear the song Themes, Schemes & Dreams itself: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sy2PAhHz_UM
Enjoy.
Well, you may be saying, "Malcolm, I know full well that Tone Loc was from California, so what the hell does this have to do with the Bronx, and rap music?" The truth is, this really started my love affair with rap music, the strength and intensity of which may have waned from time to time over the years, but still holds a special place in my heart. Having lived in NYC my entire life until I turned 18, I couldn't help but be exposed to a critical mass of rap music, all of which was the cutting edge of rap music at the time (unlike today). I remember the first time I heard Onyx, Wu-Tang, Redman, Smif 'n' Wessun, and many other groups, all of which I immediately loved. I don't think I really thought I heard the pinnacle of hip hop greatness until I heard the likes of hard core rappers Fat Joe, Big Pun, Big L, and groups like Gang Starr. Through Fat Joe, and others I discovered D.I.T.C., which to this day remains my favorite rap group. The originators of D.I.T.C. back in 1990, among others were Showbiz & A.G., who eventually came out with a solo album in 1998, called "Full Scale." Full Scale is not necessarily the best album front to back, but it has some of my favorite songs ever, including the first track on the album "Themes, Schemes & Dreams."
With my love of the music, I fueled my hobby for many years: DJing, which led me to many different artists, some of whom I like, some of whom I no longer like, and some of whom I detest. Anyway, my blog name is a reference to the first track on a Show & A.G. album. May you be intelectually richer for knowing this information.
Here's a link to hear the song Themes, Schemes & Dreams itself: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sy2PAhHz_UM
Enjoy.
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Neither your average protest nor your average shit show
Proposition 64, currently being contemplated by the Anchorage City Council, would add sexual orientation to the list of those characteristics one may not legally take into account when considering candidates for housing, education, loans, or jobs. Effectively it would force people to treat gays as regular folks, because still in 2009, we can't trust people to do it on their own. So the City Council has been hearing testimony from citizens, unfortunately many from outside of Anchorage, so as to make the most informed decision possible.
I decided to head down to see what kinds of sights and sounds I'd experience, if for nothing more than a few laughs. Before I went down there I received word that those supporting the passage of Prop. 64 were to wear blue, and those against its passage were to wear red. I made sure to wear neutral colors for the sake of taking as many photos as possible. I drove down there, scrapping my plan to ride my bike on account of some rain. When I got there I was confronted by a sea of red. Many of these kids were wearing red, and wielding signs, obviously printed en-mass, which stated some of their so-called "positions."
Here's Young Maria showing off the "Truth is Not Hate," and the "When the 'Gay Agenda' destroys Civil Liberties' everyone loses!!!" signs. She actually asked me to take a photo of her carrying these. This was typical of the people standing on the way into the library grounds.
Once I got to the library entrance, I was a bit confused. I heard this was going to be a big shit show, and it's just a bunch of people standing around quietly with signs. This group of people near the entrance really preferred the "Truth is Not Hate" variety. It appeared to be an attempt to reach critical mass in an effort to get that message across with some force. Unfortunately, they didn't understand that "Truth is not Hate" doesn't really mean anything. I mean, on one level it makes sense, truth is truth, and hate is hate, so I guess they're not the same. However, they kinda failed to make clear what it was that was so true, and yet not hateful. Alas, they seem to love these signs.
These kids below definitely didn't have any idea what their signs meant, but the held them up for as long as their parents told them to. I think their folks might have dropped them off, and told them to wait there with their signs until they came back from IHOP, probably on some condition that it was the only way they would get allowance. Kinda like doing one's chores.
Child: Mom, can I have my allowance?
Mom: How many hours did you stand outside the library wearing red while holding an anti-gay sign this week?
Child: Six.
Mom: Oh, OK, go ask your father because I gave all my cash to the collection plate.
If you look closely the sign says "God cured my gayness and my herpes. Ask me how!"
Ironically, his sign appears to be an attempt to show the religious people's...um...I mean red shirts hypocrisy in forcing their kids to come along to the protest to pad their numbers. I too can't wait until one of their kids comes out. It will be a reality check, although not as tragic as when one of them realizes he or she is gay, and doesn't come out on account of their parents.
This kid raised some eyebrows among the red shirts. Apparently many of them repeatedly thump the bible when it's convenient, but they were unaware that there are passages supporting subjugation of fellow humans in the so-called "good book." This guy in the leather jacket got a bit pissed.
I decided to head down to see what kinds of sights and sounds I'd experience, if for nothing more than a few laughs. Before I went down there I received word that those supporting the passage of Prop. 64 were to wear blue, and those against its passage were to wear red. I made sure to wear neutral colors for the sake of taking as many photos as possible. I drove down there, scrapping my plan to ride my bike on account of some rain. When I got there I was confronted by a sea of red. Many of these kids were wearing red, and wielding signs, obviously printed en-mass, which stated some of their so-called "positions."
Here's Young Maria showing off the "Truth is Not Hate," and the "When the 'Gay Agenda' destroys Civil Liberties' everyone loses!!!" signs. She actually asked me to take a photo of her carrying these. This was typical of the people standing on the way into the library grounds.
Once I got to the library entrance, I was a bit confused. I heard this was going to be a big shit show, and it's just a bunch of people standing around quietly with signs. This group of people near the entrance really preferred the "Truth is Not Hate" variety. It appeared to be an attempt to reach critical mass in an effort to get that message across with some force. Unfortunately, they didn't understand that "Truth is not Hate" doesn't really mean anything. I mean, on one level it makes sense, truth is truth, and hate is hate, so I guess they're not the same. However, they kinda failed to make clear what it was that was so true, and yet not hateful. Alas, they seem to love these signs.
These kids below definitely didn't have any idea what their signs meant, but the held them up for as long as their parents told them to. I think their folks might have dropped them off, and told them to wait there with their signs until they came back from IHOP, probably on some condition that it was the only way they would get allowance. Kinda like doing one's chores.
Child: Mom, can I have my allowance?
Mom: How many hours did you stand outside the library wearing red while holding an anti-gay sign this week?
Child: Six.
Mom: Oh, OK, go ask your father because I gave all my cash to the collection plate.
Although the red shirts had mass-produced signs for the most part, they also had some unique signs such as this clever combination of the Alaska flag and an invocation of Jesus as the state's lord. Too bad the sign loses effectiveness because it's written in the passive voice.
Perhaps they were trying to use an effective marketing strategy by employing a symbol, popular with and familiar to the public, and merging it with their message to make their point more appealing. Then, just like any ad campaign, they surrounded the product with children to try to pull at our heart strings. Whatever their strategy was, the sign was not very creative.
At least not as creative as this sign:
Or this one:
If you look closely the sign says "God cured my gayness and my herpes. Ask me how!"
I love it how religious people continue to complain about morality. Didn't they ever learn that what one deems moral is a really subjective thing? I mean, I personally think that rape is bad, but it's not one of the ten commandments. Plus, where's the evidence for all of this? To me things like the equality of the races, closing the gender gap, and creation of the united nations seem to be pretty strong evidence that morality is not on the decline. But anyway, I digress. Don't get the impression that everyone was in lock step with either the "red" or the "blue" team. There were demonstrators representing a multitude of factions in front of the entrance:
Gay guys who got the memo to wear blue, but were off on their own, trying to personally engage those wearing red, like this guy:
Ironically, his sign appears to be an attempt to show the religious people's...um...I mean red shirts hypocrisy in forcing their kids to come along to the protest to pad their numbers. I too can't wait until one of their kids comes out. It will be a reality check, although not as tragic as when one of them realizes he or she is gay, and doesn't come out on account of their parents.Additionally there were typical smart asses who cracked me up by making a mockery of the entire event, although their signs did get old eventually.
Here's a perfect example:
As with any protest, there's your typical patchouli drenched wierdo attempting to make some off-topic point about the Middle East (while exercising a serious fashion faux pas-a shirt, tie, a kangol, and one gauge earrings-at the same time):
And then there's always the pro slavery faction:
This kid raised some eyebrows among the red shirts. Apparently many of them repeatedly thump the bible when it's convenient, but they were unaware that there are passages supporting subjugation of fellow humans in the so-called "good book." This guy in the leather jacket got a bit pissed.
Once it was clear that his old "have you ever read the bible?" line would no longer work, he told the kid he was building up bad karma, and that it was all going to come around to bite him in the ass. Karma? Is that really the best he could come up with? The kid walked away with a shit eating grin on his face and agreed to pose for me with his sign.
Your token liquid dancer:
Things were relatively tame near the entrance, but the demonstrators got a little bit higher energy out on the front lawn near 36th Ave.
There was flag waiving:
Your token liquid dancer:
A DJ (who actually rocked the house):
Notice how even when there's a DJ, some patchouli drenched protester still tries to start a drum circle.
Posing for pictures:
Two totally straight dudes:
Some rebel faction led by the guy in the Mets hat:
Two ladies:
A motorcyclist for Jesus:
Front and back views of his awesome vest:
This guy was mad because he thought it ironic that a black woman was picketing to have somebody's rights curtailed:
Not much listening going on here:
I guess rock throwing has gone the way of the dinosaur...
Two totally straight dudes:
Some rebel faction led by the guy in the Mets hat:
Two ladies:
A motorcyclist for Jesus:
Front and back views of his awesome vest:
Some passionate argument:
This lady was mad because she thought it repulsive that men choose to have sex with other men.
This guy was mad because he thought it ironic that a black woman was picketing to have somebody's rights curtailed:
Not much listening going on here:
And this new form of protesting I've never seen before:
I guess rock throwing has gone the way of the dinosaur...There was also a section for those who dress really uncomfortably:
I never thought I'd be saying this, but: To the father of that 11 year-old kid in the middle, PULL YOUR SON'S PANTS DOWN!! That kids testicles are supposed to drop when his body decides. It's unhealthy for intervening forces to hold those things up. 
And to both the adults in this photo: They make larger size clothing for a reason. You don't have to cram your fat ass into the same size you wore when you were in your 20s. Not to mention, let your gay son show his face. He's embarrassed because of what you're making him do...
And to both the adults in this photo: They make larger size clothing for a reason. You don't have to cram your fat ass into the same size you wore when you were in your 20s. Not to mention, let your gay son show his face. He's embarrassed because of what you're making him do...
Maybe the red shirt folk on the curb were uncomfortable because they didn't supply their own music, or maybe it's because of some other reason.
The kid on the left looks ridiculous, and undoubtedly, because of his extremely hiked-up pants, his nuts are perilously close to being rendered sterile.
This girl got so fed up with the homosexual agenda that she just had to step away from the crowd for a breather.
This woman, a.k.a. Kimberly Jong Il (as named by Jason Brandeis), was aboard with the anti-gay stance and felt the love from her fellow red shirts. Unfortunately, she was upset because despite her best efforts she couldn't find fellow supporters of nuclear proliferation.
This guy just looked upset because perhaps this infant took a dump while on his shoulders, or maybe he has a vitamin D deficiency (that's even pale for me). One can't be sure...
This girl got so fed up with the homosexual agenda that she just had to step away from the crowd for a breather.
This woman, a.k.a. Kimberly Jong Il (as named by Jason Brandeis), was aboard with the anti-gay stance and felt the love from her fellow red shirts. Unfortunately, she was upset because despite her best efforts she couldn't find fellow supporters of nuclear proliferation.
This guy just looked upset because perhaps this infant took a dump while on his shoulders, or maybe he has a vitamin D deficiency (that's even pale for me). One can't be sure...
And, of course, because it was a protest, there were plenty of people who dress strangely. For some reason though, after seeing all those mopey red shirts, I was, for the very first time in my life, happy to see some hipsters show up. Normally, I would have thought these two were over the top and felt an immediate revulsion, but they were just what I needed.
The day was topped off by this white, jew-fro wearing, dude dancing his ass off. It was hilarious.
All in all it was quite a spectacle that I won't soon forget.
The day was topped off by this white, jew-fro wearing, dude dancing his ass off. It was hilarious.
All in all it was quite a spectacle that I won't soon forget. Are all sister-in-laws this crazy?
Below is a series of emails between my mother and my sister-in-law. Now I know what you're thinking: "Malcolm, how can you possibly air your family's dirty laundry publicly?" I can only say that when you have such an insane sister-in-law, the only way to get through to her is to broadcast every one of her crazy thoughts to as many people as possible. Well, at least my hope is that through broadcast, and large amounts of feedback she'll actually see exactly how crazy she's being. In fact, broadcasting this stuff was my mother's idea, albeit, she only wanted to broadcast it to the family, and not the public waves of the internet. Anyway, I digress...
Just in case this is somehow unethical, I'm going to hide their identites by calling my mother MOM, and my sister-in-law SIL. Also, BRO will take the place of my brother's name, and ___, my father's. This is all so I don't have to deal with their bullshit if they discover this entry, not that I expect it to work. Oh, and I'll give the usual movie line: Any and all similarities between this and any true stories are entirely coincidental.
Moving on... I guess a little background would help flesh this out somewhat, so this isn't all new to anyone reading this. SIL is from Eastern Europe. BRO met her when he was in an American foreign aid service, and before he left to come back to the states they married (I will never understand why). My mother, father (divorced since 1989) and I all travelled half way around the world to attend the wedding. My step-father, who was pushing 80 at the time had significant reservations about travelling to a third world nation in the middle of summer (he's had bad experiences in the past). So it was just the three of us that made the trip across the pond.
Several months after the wedding, they moved into the spare bedroom at my father's house in a nearby suburb and basically, as I see it, took advantage of his kindness. Sometime shortly after they came to the US, my mother and stepfather threw a big wedding reception for them, as a way to ensure those members of our family and BRO's friends who didn't attend the wedding could celebrate with us. (one side note about my mom and stepdad, they are pretty cheap, so this gesture was an enormous deal to them). After the party, my family, mostly MOM discovered something about SIL. Apparently, she had it out for my mother, and there was no explanation for the hostility other than the fact that SIL was just hyper-sensitive, and a C-U Next Tuesday. They both worked relatively shitty jobs, making little money, until they decided on a whim to move to a popular city in a western state, where they promptly started similar shitty jobs. BRO was working as a cook, and SIL in an elementary school. BRO eventually left his job because of differences with his boss, although I think it's really because he had a hot temper and they got in an argument, and BRO got fired. BRO started working construction, and I'm not even sure what SIL did. Anyway, this was a source of conversation in my family as BRO had no real job, and was letting his college degree go to waste. My mother discussed it with him, and SIL, at some point after that took umbrage with my mother's "criticism."
On August 28, 2008 my sister in law wrote the following unsolicited email to my mother (typos and punctuation are unedited, and the letters are in smaller, grey colored font):
Hi MOM,It's SIL.
I am writing you an e-mail because I want to let you know of some of my feelings. Since day one that I have become part of the family all that you guys can discuss is career, work, career, work and it seems to me nothing else that BRO or I have to say matters to you. This kind of discussion I could have with my colleagues. I come from a very different family where family is family for real, and family ties are very strong BECAUSE we do not look down on each other as underachievers or overachievers. This is what competitive colleagues at work do, not family. In my family we respect each other for who we are SIMPLY because of the one single tie we have - family. And we have from a professor to a construction worker but we all get together and tell stories of a crazy grandma or a funny uncle. When we get together we try to forget about work. I know we are a different culture, still......How do you think BRO feels when you tell him that you think he is an underachiever??? And when you discuss that with his own brother. You facilitate the disrespect that Malcolm has for BRO. Have you ever thought about it?!?!? Yes, Malcolm is an overachiever but his moral values are messed up, he doesn't care about anybody but himself and he acts like a 4- year spoiled child. Believe me I have worked with plenty and I know how they act:):)I have always preferred honesty /that's why I have had problems in this country:)/ and I believe that you can handle my honesty. I hope so. I will ask you about something very sincerely: this endless discussion about career, when we see each other, needs to stop. We will let you know of our plans. There are plenty of other things we can talk about when we see eachother.Please do not get offended by my e-mail but read it and percieve it honestly. Please do not be hurt by it but try to understand my point of view. I am still happy to be part of your family and I wouldn't want to grow cold to it.
Love, SIL
My mother's response to the above:
Dear SIL:
Thank you for writing, and expressing your feelings so clearly.
I see things differently. Therefore, I would like to address several of your points.
"All we discuss is career, work, career, work" ?? In fact, we have had very little contact and even less conversation since you have been in this country, something which has caused me some sorrow.I do have some few and fond recollections of good conversations you and I have had, ex., about child rearing practices here.
"Underachiever/overachiever"?? These are not my words. In fact, I am not even sure I know what "overachiever" means --it seems to be jargon in the educational field. On the other hand, I have spoken with BRO of his not realizing his full potential. BRO is an incredibly brilliant, engaging, winsome, and caring individual. One challenge we all can take on, in America, is to engage our passion and to work in what we really love, and even to make good money at it. BRO did very creative work he seemed to enjoy, some years ago. He joined the Peace Corps, he created artwork, and he pursued culinary, something he is gifted and interested in. As we know, this industry is difficult and for many, low paying. I respect BRO for making the decision to leave it. Now he is in construction. My sense is he does not find it that interesting, but he likes the money. Well, money is important but to work for the love of money without loving the work itself leaves us empty after awhile, and most of us have to work for many many years , so we may as well spend some quality time figuring out what we really love, or even are called to do. We are Americans (we are not [Eastern Europeans]), and we know better than anyone the flaws of the US, and the problems working here. But one possibility Americans do have, especially those as gifted and well-prepared for life as is BRO, is a broad range of options for work which allows creativity and self-fulfillment.
I am quite puzzled by your saying that you come from a different family, "where family is family for real" and family ties are very strong because "we do not look down on each other". I am dismayed that you know me and my family so little! I don't know a single member of my family who looks down on any other member of the family! The greatest source of pride in my life is my two sons. I am deeply and equally grateful for BRO and Malcolm --their brilliance, talents, our relationship, and their uniqueness and differences. Real families like ours have real honest differences in outlook, and still remain warm and close. That is what our family has, and that is why I am writing this letter.
Warmly, MOM
SIL's retort:
Hi MOM,
Thank you for writing back. Actually last Monday you told BRO that you think he is an underachiever. I am surprised that you do not remember. It seems that your feelings got hurt by my letter and couldn't get beyond that point in order to understand my point of view. And I am saying that because you have only one sentence on me writing to you and then a whole letter to prove a point. But instead of being puzzled did you sit down to understand what I am trying to say?!Eloquence and ability to talk honestly are very important, MOM but do not forget that actions speak louder than words. That is why you need to believe in BRO even now when he is doing construction and not criticize him and give him suggestions all the time as if he has no idea what he is doing. You need to believe in him not only in words but in reality. And you need to trust me. When this actually happens from your heart then we will feel it and you won't have the need to tell us what to do. And everything will be OK.Love, SIL
More recently, SIL (during her pregnancy) had the following conniption when my mother inquired as to when the doctor thought she was due to give birth (once again, typos remain):
May 17, 2009:
Dear MOM, I know that everyone wants to know the due date but I strongly prefer that no date is mentioned;baby will come when he is ready. And I prefer not to be asked about the date. That is what I was advised in my birthclass and it makes great sense to me. The time when the baby will come will be around the middle of July-before and after is possible. The details are up to nature.:)Please let know other relatives in case they want to know. Love, SIL
Hi MOM,You may prefer phones but I prefer e-mail because when words are put down they have a lot more meaning to me. And you can go back and contemplate on them.I asked you about the birth wish, even if BRO didn't ask you. This shows me how much respect you have for me. Respect is not only about words but most importantly about actions. This is my last e-mail to you. And this really makes me sad. From now on I will not attempt to show you how I feel, because you don't really want to know.Even if you don't think that your e-mail is condescending, you are sending it to me and I am letting you know that it is condescending, from the very beginning. If you can't hear that, this is sad. Another sad thing is that you cannot grasp how disrespectful it is to us that you ignore our wish about the birth date/it doesn't matter who asked you BRO or I ; we are one family/.One more time you showed me that you are not able to understand and be open to how I feel. Instead, again, you tell me how right you are in your mind. It's not about you, MOM, it is about how BRO and I feel and you having the capacity to look inwards and understand that. Yes, last time I refused to talk to you on the phone and do you know why, because I was going to the bathroom to do number two an Sam walked in the room announcing that somebody needs to talk to you. BRO had just arrived from work and was sleeping because he had worked saturday day, and evening, and sunday. You know nothing about our life and it is none of your business. But you are quick to jump into conclusions acting like a rejected child. So please act like a mother -be supportive without meddling in our life and passing opinions that nobody asks about.And if you feel like I don't want to talk to you on the phone, there is an explanation. Talking to you is like talking to the radio. You just keep talking and you listen but you don't have the patience to hear . You never hear what I have to say, you are ready to give advice without being asked for, you incessantly ask questions, and cut me off when I start telling you something and ultimately I don't find you sincere to me. Would you want to talk to someone like that?!?!This is how I feel if you care to know. Not only me, Dylan feels like this too. Ask him if you want. Nothing is out of proportion. we've always felt like this but we never told you because we are nice. Now we are telling you because you are way out of hand making decisions despite our request. If you ask me about something I would make sure to respect that and not make my own decision and tell people what I feel like.Treat people the way you want to be treated. You haven't been treating us very well, we've just been respectful to you not to let you know. I am pregnant and I need calm now. Be more understanding and leave us some peace! Please don't write back. Thanks, SIL.
My Final Thoughts:
1) Yes, I am writing this to blow off some steam, but if you had to deal with this woman, wouldn't you be a bit pissed too?
2) How selfish can someone be that they use their child as a bargaining piece? Thinking back to my life, interaction with my grandmothers was one of the most important factors in my development into an adult.
3) Can you really take this woman seriously?
In closing, what the fuck should I do to deal with this collossal bitch? I've tried ignoring the woman, but perhaps you have some prior experience that I can draw on to make things a bit easier.
Just in case this is somehow unethical, I'm going to hide their identites by calling my mother MOM, and my sister-in-law SIL. Also, BRO will take the place of my brother's name, and ___, my father's. This is all so I don't have to deal with their bullshit if they discover this entry, not that I expect it to work. Oh, and I'll give the usual movie line: Any and all similarities between this and any true stories are entirely coincidental.
Moving on... I guess a little background would help flesh this out somewhat, so this isn't all new to anyone reading this. SIL is from Eastern Europe. BRO met her when he was in an American foreign aid service, and before he left to come back to the states they married (I will never understand why). My mother, father (divorced since 1989) and I all travelled half way around the world to attend the wedding. My step-father, who was pushing 80 at the time had significant reservations about travelling to a third world nation in the middle of summer (he's had bad experiences in the past). So it was just the three of us that made the trip across the pond.
Several months after the wedding, they moved into the spare bedroom at my father's house in a nearby suburb and basically, as I see it, took advantage of his kindness. Sometime shortly after they came to the US, my mother and stepfather threw a big wedding reception for them, as a way to ensure those members of our family and BRO's friends who didn't attend the wedding could celebrate with us. (one side note about my mom and stepdad, they are pretty cheap, so this gesture was an enormous deal to them). After the party, my family, mostly MOM discovered something about SIL. Apparently, she had it out for my mother, and there was no explanation for the hostility other than the fact that SIL was just hyper-sensitive, and a C-U Next Tuesday. They both worked relatively shitty jobs, making little money, until they decided on a whim to move to a popular city in a western state, where they promptly started similar shitty jobs. BRO was working as a cook, and SIL in an elementary school. BRO eventually left his job because of differences with his boss, although I think it's really because he had a hot temper and they got in an argument, and BRO got fired. BRO started working construction, and I'm not even sure what SIL did. Anyway, this was a source of conversation in my family as BRO had no real job, and was letting his college degree go to waste. My mother discussed it with him, and SIL, at some point after that took umbrage with my mother's "criticism."
On August 28, 2008 my sister in law wrote the following unsolicited email to my mother (typos and punctuation are unedited, and the letters are in smaller, grey colored font):
Hi MOM,It's SIL.
I am writing you an e-mail because I want to let you know of some of my feelings. Since day one that I have become part of the family all that you guys can discuss is career, work, career, work and it seems to me nothing else that BRO or I have to say matters to you. This kind of discussion I could have with my colleagues. I come from a very different family where family is family for real, and family ties are very strong BECAUSE we do not look down on each other as underachievers or overachievers. This is what competitive colleagues at work do, not family. In my family we respect each other for who we are SIMPLY because of the one single tie we have - family. And we have from a professor to a construction worker but we all get together and tell stories of a crazy grandma or a funny uncle. When we get together we try to forget about work. I know we are a different culture, still......How do you think BRO feels when you tell him that you think he is an underachiever??? And when you discuss that with his own brother. You facilitate the disrespect that Malcolm has for BRO. Have you ever thought about it?!?!? Yes, Malcolm is an overachiever but his moral values are messed up, he doesn't care about anybody but himself and he acts like a 4- year spoiled child. Believe me I have worked with plenty and I know how they act:):)I have always preferred honesty /that's why I have had problems in this country:)/ and I believe that you can handle my honesty. I hope so. I will ask you about something very sincerely: this endless discussion about career, when we see each other, needs to stop. We will let you know of our plans. There are plenty of other things we can talk about when we see eachother.Please do not get offended by my e-mail but read it and percieve it honestly. Please do not be hurt by it but try to understand my point of view. I am still happy to be part of your family and I wouldn't want to grow cold to it.
Love, SIL
Just a few quick observations:
1) SIL knows nothing about me, and has no business talking about my moral values.
2) Someone acting as childish as SIL has no business saying someone else acts like a 4-year-old.
3) Who the fuck writes a serious letter, or at least one intended to be serious and uses emoticons, and triple punctuation??? lol, omg, ;-)!!!
4) Who has so little respect for somebody's parents that they openly criticize their adult children calling them "messed up" because of the way they were raised? That's pretty fucked up. Also, who openly criticizes somebody's family as a way to get them to "see things their way"? Puzzling...
5) If you want somebody to take you seriously, you definitely shouldn't hide behind your partner, and instead have some balls about your confrontational attitude.
My mother's response to the above:
Dear SIL:
Thank you for writing, and expressing your feelings so clearly.
I see things differently. Therefore, I would like to address several of your points.
"All we discuss is career, work, career, work" ?? In fact, we have had very little contact and even less conversation since you have been in this country, something which has caused me some sorrow.I do have some few and fond recollections of good conversations you and I have had, ex., about child rearing practices here.
"Underachiever/overachiever"?? These are not my words. In fact, I am not even sure I know what "overachiever" means --it seems to be jargon in the educational field. On the other hand, I have spoken with BRO of his not realizing his full potential. BRO is an incredibly brilliant, engaging, winsome, and caring individual. One challenge we all can take on, in America, is to engage our passion and to work in what we really love, and even to make good money at it. BRO did very creative work he seemed to enjoy, some years ago. He joined the Peace Corps, he created artwork, and he pursued culinary, something he is gifted and interested in. As we know, this industry is difficult and for many, low paying. I respect BRO for making the decision to leave it. Now he is in construction. My sense is he does not find it that interesting, but he likes the money. Well, money is important but to work for the love of money without loving the work itself leaves us empty after awhile, and most of us have to work for many many years , so we may as well spend some quality time figuring out what we really love, or even are called to do. We are Americans (we are not [Eastern Europeans]), and we know better than anyone the flaws of the US, and the problems working here. But one possibility Americans do have, especially those as gifted and well-prepared for life as is BRO, is a broad range of options for work which allows creativity and self-fulfillment.
I am quite puzzled by your saying that you come from a different family, "where family is family for real" and family ties are very strong because "we do not look down on each other". I am dismayed that you know me and my family so little! I don't know a single member of my family who looks down on any other member of the family! The greatest source of pride in my life is my two sons. I am deeply and equally grateful for BRO and Malcolm --their brilliance, talents, our relationship, and their uniqueness and differences. Real families like ours have real honest differences in outlook, and still remain warm and close. That is what our family has, and that is why I am writing this letter.
Warmly, MOM
My thoughts on my mother's retort:
This to me seems like an obvious attempt to extend an olive branch. Any sane, intuitive person would realize this is a kind way of saying: "Respectfully, I think you misunderstand me and my motivations. Now, if you'd like to sit down and talk, I'd be happy to do so." Instead, SIL sees this as an antagonistic response, where MOM just didn't hear what she said.
SIL's retort:
Hi MOM,
Thank you for writing back. Actually last Monday you told BRO that you think he is an underachiever. I am surprised that you do not remember. It seems that your feelings got hurt by my letter and couldn't get beyond that point in order to understand my point of view. And I am saying that because you have only one sentence on me writing to you and then a whole letter to prove a point. But instead of being puzzled did you sit down to understand what I am trying to say?!Eloquence and ability to talk honestly are very important, MOM but do not forget that actions speak louder than words. That is why you need to believe in BRO even now when he is doing construction and not criticize him and give him suggestions all the time as if he has no idea what he is doing. You need to believe in him not only in words but in reality. And you need to trust me. When this actually happens from your heart then we will feel it and you won't have the need to tell us what to do. And everything will be OK.Love, SIL
My thoughts:
Somebody is quite selfish here. What the fuck is this woman's problem? Or, perhaps I should say what the fuck ARE her problemS? This email is typical of face to face encounters I've had with SIL, where she immediately shrugs off what you have to say about anything, and responds to any of your comments by raising her voice at you. That style of conversation (if you want to call it that) is tactless, to say the least. Can you, for one second, imagine a layperson arguing with a rocket scientist, and basically ignoring what they just said, and then saying: "Listen, you need to trust me. We're going to have to make some serious changes with the space shuttle."?? If you can imagine the foregoing scenario, can you imagine the person would just start yelling? I highly doubt it. By the way, not like I need to state the obvious, but the first person to yell in a debate is usually the person who realizes they're in the wrong.
More recently, SIL (during her pregnancy) had the following conniption when my mother inquired as to when the doctor thought she was due to give birth (once again, typos remain):
May 17, 2009:
Dear MOM, I know that everyone wants to know the due date but I strongly prefer that no date is mentioned;baby will come when he is ready. And I prefer not to be asked about the date. That is what I was advised in my birthclass and it makes great sense to me. The time when the baby will come will be around the middle of July-before and after is possible. The details are up to nature.:)Please let know other relatives in case they want to know. Love, SIL
My mother responded, appearing to have lost a bit of patience:
Hey, SIL: --yes, we know about nature. But many are asking --brothers, sisters, to be uncles, other relatives and friends. Here and now, everyone is excited about this Joyous Occasion!! And in this country, this information gets circulated and is occasion not only for happiness but also for visits –planned and surprising- and gifts….So I’m telling folks about July 15th, which is the last date I heard.And everyone is excited!Love and hope you are feeling well,MOM/Mom
SIL's Response:
Hi MOM,It's not fair and it is very disrespectful that you choose to make a decision on our behalf to tell a date that is not correct when we asked you not to tell a specific date. When I talk to you I feel like you don't hear me. Instead you give me a whole condescending lecture on how I should be doing things. This is very discouraging for me. The 15th is not a correct date. And as you know better than me, babies can come 20 days late AND the reason is, that they are not late, but because in the first place their due date was not correct.In every country birth is a joyous event and people want to know but they are also patient and don't try to control what's out of their control. Questions like this create anxiety in me. I would be a lot happier if you respect our birth wishes/ one of which is not to tell a specific date/ This is paramount for me and for the better communication between you and me. Everyone will know when the baby comes but you have to respect our birth wishes because this is my birth. I don't need advice on how things are done. And there is nothing wrong in doing things in a different way than the times you gave birth. Please don't tell me again of how things were done, or how I should do them because this is not about your birth. I am sure when it was time for your birth you made your own decisions. Right now I need most of all support in my decisions and understanding without judgement. This is my last attempt to communicate information to you. If that fails and I receive another e-mail from you in the same judgemental, advisory manner I will give up. BRO and I are grown-up people and you should start treating us like that which includes respecting our decisions, not questioning all the time and hearing what we have to say. If you don't do that, there will be a total lack of communication between us. And I don' t think that is good for the baby and for all of us. SIL
My mother's response to the above:
SIL, BRO NEVER asked me not to disclose a date. He mentioned only that there was some uncertainty about the date, and then mentioned the 15th. This whole topic has gotten way out of proportion. The first I heard there was an issue about the date was from you, in an email. I read me email again, and to me it sounds very positive. Where is it negative? I would really like to know. I prefer conversations in person or on the phone than email, because I feel they are warmer and less judgemental. Last time I called the house, about a week ago, I asked to speak with you and you refused to come to the phone. This is not the first time that has happened. Who doesn’t feel heard and respected now? I look forward to talking this through tomorrow, and hopefully coming to better consensus. Thanks,MOM
Hi MOM,You may prefer phones but I prefer e-mail because when words are put down they have a lot more meaning to me. And you can go back and contemplate on them.I asked you about the birth wish, even if BRO didn't ask you. This shows me how much respect you have for me. Respect is not only about words but most importantly about actions. This is my last e-mail to you. And this really makes me sad. From now on I will not attempt to show you how I feel, because you don't really want to know.Even if you don't think that your e-mail is condescending, you are sending it to me and I am letting you know that it is condescending, from the very beginning. If you can't hear that, this is sad. Another sad thing is that you cannot grasp how disrespectful it is to us that you ignore our wish about the birth date/it doesn't matter who asked you BRO or I ; we are one family/.One more time you showed me that you are not able to understand and be open to how I feel. Instead, again, you tell me how right you are in your mind. It's not about you, MOM, it is about how BRO and I feel and you having the capacity to look inwards and understand that. Yes, last time I refused to talk to you on the phone and do you know why, because I was going to the bathroom to do number two an Sam walked in the room announcing that somebody needs to talk to you. BRO had just arrived from work and was sleeping because he had worked saturday day, and evening, and sunday. You know nothing about our life and it is none of your business. But you are quick to jump into conclusions acting like a rejected child. So please act like a mother -be supportive without meddling in our life and passing opinions that nobody asks about.And if you feel like I don't want to talk to you on the phone, there is an explanation. Talking to you is like talking to the radio. You just keep talking and you listen but you don't have the patience to hear . You never hear what I have to say, you are ready to give advice without being asked for, you incessantly ask questions, and cut me off when I start telling you something and ultimately I don't find you sincere to me. Would you want to talk to someone like that?!?!This is how I feel if you care to know. Not only me, Dylan feels like this too. Ask him if you want. Nothing is out of proportion. we've always felt like this but we never told you because we are nice. Now we are telling you because you are way out of hand making decisions despite our request. If you ask me about something I would make sure to respect that and not make my own decision and tell people what I feel like.Treat people the way you want to be treated. You haven't been treating us very well, we've just been respectful to you not to let you know. I am pregnant and I need calm now. Be more understanding and leave us some peace! Please don't write back. Thanks, SIL.
My Final Thoughts:
1) Yes, I am writing this to blow off some steam, but if you had to deal with this woman, wouldn't you be a bit pissed too?
2) How selfish can someone be that they use their child as a bargaining piece? Thinking back to my life, interaction with my grandmothers was one of the most important factors in my development into an adult.
3) Can you really take this woman seriously?
In closing, what the fuck should I do to deal with this collossal bitch? I've tried ignoring the woman, but perhaps you have some prior experience that I can draw on to make things a bit easier.
Ass wiping technology breakthrough
So I saw a commercial for this product the other day, called the "Comfort Wipe," and after being reassured that it's not a spoof from SNL or the opening segment of Bill Maher's show, I examined the contraption further. The Comfort Wipe is a toilet paper wielding wand that allows users the convenience of an extra 18 inches of reach when trying to wipe one's ass. Now I may be a skinny dude, but I've never even remotely experienced not being able to wipe because my rectum is too far away, so I'm going to go out on a limb and say this product is aimed at morbidly obese people.
Check out the tv spot:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=crfGXmxJ1vM
I thought this was a joke, but nope. I can't believe that our population is so obese they actually need help reaching around all the flab to reach their asshole. What a country we live in.
I guess my remaining question is: For those who have a comfort wand, what happens when you have to take a number two away from home? Is wiping like riding a bike in that you never really forget, or is it different for those who need wiping assistance? All I can think about is a fat ass person humiliated at the mall because they don't have the comfort wipe, and that super-sized Mickey-Ds meal ain't sitting right. In this situation, the comfort-wipe-dependent person has to reluctantly decide whether to cart their fat ass back to the parking lot, get in their Chevy Tahoe and go home to the comfort wipe sanctuary that is their own bathroom, or, they can use the (comfort wipe-less) can somewhere in the mall and risk smelling like shit (more than they already do) for the rest of the day.
All I can say is that I'm glad I don't have to make such a decision. Whew...
Check out the tv spot:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=crfGXmxJ1vM
I thought this was a joke, but nope. I can't believe that our population is so obese they actually need help reaching around all the flab to reach their asshole. What a country we live in.
I guess my remaining question is: For those who have a comfort wand, what happens when you have to take a number two away from home? Is wiping like riding a bike in that you never really forget, or is it different for those who need wiping assistance? All I can think about is a fat ass person humiliated at the mall because they don't have the comfort wipe, and that super-sized Mickey-Ds meal ain't sitting right. In this situation, the comfort-wipe-dependent person has to reluctantly decide whether to cart their fat ass back to the parking lot, get in their Chevy Tahoe and go home to the comfort wipe sanctuary that is their own bathroom, or, they can use the (comfort wipe-less) can somewhere in the mall and risk smelling like shit (more than they already do) for the rest of the day.
All I can say is that I'm glad I don't have to make such a decision. Whew...
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