Are all sister-in-laws this crazy?

Below is a series of emails between my mother and my sister-in-law. Now I know what you're thinking: "Malcolm, how can you possibly air your family's dirty laundry publicly?" I can only say that when you have such an insane sister-in-law, the only way to get through to her is to broadcast every one of her crazy thoughts to as many people as possible. Well, at least my hope is that through broadcast, and large amounts of feedback she'll actually see exactly how crazy she's being. In fact, broadcasting this stuff was my mother's idea, albeit, she only wanted to broadcast it to the family, and not the public waves of the internet. Anyway, I digress...

Just in case this is somehow unethical, I'm going to hide their identites by calling my mother MOM, and my sister-in-law SIL. Also, BRO will take the place of my brother's name, and ___, my father's. This is all so I don't have to deal with their bullshit if they discover this entry, not that I expect it to work. Oh, and I'll give the usual movie line: Any and all similarities between this and any true stories are entirely coincidental.

Moving on... I guess a little background would help flesh this out somewhat, so this isn't all new to anyone reading this. SIL is from Eastern Europe. BRO met her when he was in an American foreign aid service, and before he left to come back to the states they married (I will never understand why). My mother, father (divorced since 1989) and I all travelled half way around the world to attend the wedding. My step-father, who was pushing 80 at the time had significant reservations about travelling to a third world nation in the middle of summer (he's had bad experiences in the past). So it was just the three of us that made the trip across the pond.

Several months after the wedding, they moved into the spare bedroom at my father's house in a nearby suburb and basically, as I see it, took advantage of his kindness. Sometime shortly after they came to the US, my mother and stepfather threw a big wedding reception for them, as a way to ensure those members of our family and BRO's friends who didn't attend the wedding could celebrate with us. (one side note about my mom and stepdad, they are pretty cheap, so this gesture was an enormous deal to them). After the party, my family, mostly MOM discovered something about SIL. Apparently, she had it out for my mother, and there was no explanation for the hostility other than the fact that SIL was just hyper-sensitive, and a C-U Next Tuesday. They both worked relatively shitty jobs, making little money, until they decided on a whim to move to a popular city in a western state, where they promptly started similar shitty jobs. BRO was working as a cook, and SIL in an elementary school. BRO eventually left his job because of differences with his boss, although I think it's really because he had a hot temper and they got in an argument, and BRO got fired. BRO started working construction, and I'm not even sure what SIL did. Anyway, this was a source of conversation in my family as BRO had no real job, and was letting his college degree go to waste. My mother discussed it with him, and SIL, at some point after that took umbrage with my mother's "criticism."

On August 28, 2008 my sister in law wrote the following unsolicited email to my mother (typos and punctuation are unedited, and the letters are in smaller, grey colored font):

Hi MOM,It's SIL.

I am writing you an e-mail because I want to let you know of some of my feelings. Since day one that I have become part of the family all that you guys can discuss is career, work, career, work and it seems to me nothing else that BRO or I have to say matters to you. This kind of discussion I could have with my colleagues. I come from a very different family where family is family for real, and family ties are very strong BECAUSE we do not look down on each other as underachievers or overachievers. This is what competitive colleagues at work do, not family. In my family we respect each other for who we are SIMPLY because of the one single tie we have - family. And we have from a professor to a construction worker but we all get together and tell stories of a crazy grandma or a funny uncle. When we get together we try to forget about work. I know we are a different culture, still......How do you think BRO feels when you tell him that you think he is an underachiever??? And when you discuss that with his own brother. You facilitate the disrespect that Malcolm has for BRO. Have you ever thought about it?!?!? Yes, Malcolm is an overachiever but his moral values are messed up, he doesn't care about anybody but himself and he acts like a 4- year spoiled child. Believe me I have worked with plenty and I know how they act:):)I have always preferred honesty /that's why I have had problems in this country:)/ and I believe that you can handle my honesty. I hope so. I will ask you about something very sincerely: this endless discussion about career, when we see each other, needs to stop. We will let you know of our plans. There are plenty of other things we can talk about when we see eachother.Please do not get offended by my e-mail but read it and percieve it honestly. Please do not be hurt by it but try to understand my point of view. I am still happy to be part of your family and I wouldn't want to grow cold to it.

Love, SIL

Just a few quick observations:

1) SIL knows nothing about me, and has no business talking about my moral values.

2) Someone acting as childish as SIL has no business saying someone else acts like a 4-year-old.

3) Who the fuck writes a serious letter, or at least one intended to be serious and uses emoticons, and triple punctuation??? lol, omg, ;-)!!!

4) Who has so little respect for somebody's parents that they openly criticize their adult children calling them "messed up" because of the way they were raised? That's pretty fucked up. Also, who openly criticizes somebody's family as a way to get them to "see things their way"? Puzzling...

5) If you want somebody to take you seriously, you definitely shouldn't hide behind your partner, and instead have some balls about your confrontational attitude.

My mother's response to the above:

Dear SIL:


Thank you for writing, and expressing your feelings so clearly.
I see things differently. Therefore, I would like to address several of your points.
"All we discuss is career, work, career, work" ?? In fact, we have had very little contact and even less conversation since you have been in this country, something which has caused me some sorrow.I do have some few and fond recollections of good conversations you and I have had, ex., about child rearing practices here.
"Underachiever/overachiever"?? These are not my words. In fact, I am not even sure I know what "overachiever" means --it seems to be jargon in the educational field. On the other hand, I have spoken with BRO of his not realizing his full potential. BRO is an incredibly brilliant, engaging, winsome, and caring individual. One challenge we all can take on, in America, is to engage our passion and to work in what we really love, and even to make good money at it. BRO did very creative work he seemed to enjoy, some years ago. He joined the Peace Corps, he created artwork, and he pursued culinary, something he is gifted and interested in. As we know, this industry is difficult and for many, low paying. I respect BRO for making the decision to leave it. Now he is in construction. My sense is he does not find it that interesting, but he likes the money. Well, money is important but to work for the love of money without loving the work itself leaves us empty after awhile, and most of us have to work for many many years , so we may as well spend some quality time figuring out what we really love, or even are called to do. We are Americans (we are not [Eastern Europeans]), and we know better than anyone the flaws of the US, and the problems working here. But one possibility Americans do have, especially those as gifted and well-prepared for life as is BRO, is a broad range of options for work which allows creativity and self-fulfillment.
I am quite puzzled by your saying that you come from a different family, "where family is family for real" and family ties are very strong because "we do not look down on each other". I am dismayed that you know me and my family so little! I don't know a single member of my family who looks down on any other member of the family! The greatest source of pride in my life is my two sons. I am deeply and equally grateful for BRO and Malcolm --their brilliance, talents, our relationship, and their uniqueness and differences. Real families like ours have real honest differences in outlook, and still remain warm and close. That is what our family has, and that is why I am writing this letter.
Warmly, MOM

My thoughts on my mother's retort:
This to me seems like an obvious attempt to extend an olive branch. Any sane, intuitive person would realize this is a kind way of saying: "Respectfully, I think you misunderstand me and my motivations. Now, if you'd like to sit down and talk, I'd be happy to do so." Instead, SIL sees this as an antagonistic response, where MOM just didn't hear what she said.

SIL's retort:

Hi MOM,


Thank you for writing back. Actually last Monday you told BRO that you think he is an underachiever. I am surprised that you do not remember. It seems that your feelings got hurt by my letter and couldn't get beyond that point in order to understand my point of view. And I am saying that because you have only one sentence on me writing to you and then a whole letter to prove a point. But instead of being puzzled did you sit down to understand what I am trying to say?!Eloquence and ability to talk honestly are very important, MOM but do not forget that actions speak louder than words. That is why you need to believe in BRO even now when he is doing construction and not criticize him and give him suggestions all the time as if he has no idea what he is doing. You need to believe in him not only in words but in reality. And you need to trust me. When this actually happens from your heart then we will feel it and you won't have the need to tell us what to do. And everything will be OK.Love, SIL

My thoughts:

Somebody is quite selfish here. What the fuck is this woman's problem? Or, perhaps I should say what the fuck ARE her problemS? This email is typical of face to face encounters I've had with SIL, where she immediately shrugs off what you have to say about anything, and responds to any of your comments by raising her voice at you. That style of conversation (if you want to call it that) is tactless, to say the least. Can you, for one second, imagine a layperson arguing with a rocket scientist, and basically ignoring what they just said, and then saying: "Listen, you need to trust me. We're going to have to make some serious changes with the space shuttle."?? If you can imagine the foregoing scenario, can you imagine the person would just start yelling? I highly doubt it. By the way, not like I need to state the obvious, but the first person to yell in a debate is usually the person who realizes they're in the wrong.

More recently, SIL (during her pregnancy) had the following conniption when my mother inquired as to when the doctor thought she was due to give birth (once again, typos remain):

May 17, 2009:

Dear MOM, I know that everyone wants to know the due date but I strongly prefer that no date is mentioned;baby will come when he is ready. And I prefer not to be asked about the date. That is what I was advised in my birthclass and it makes great sense to me. The time when the baby will come will be around the middle of July-before and after is possible. The details are up to nature.:)Please let know other relatives in case they want to know. Love, SIL

My mother responded, appearing to have lost a bit of patience:

Hey, SIL: --yes, we know about nature. But many are asking --brothers, sisters, to be uncles, other relatives and friends. Here and now, everyone is excited about this Joyous Occasion!! And in this country, this information gets circulated and is occasion not only for happiness but also for visits –planned and surprising- and gifts….So I’m telling folks about July 15th, which is the last date I heard.And everyone is excited!Love and hope you are feeling well,MOM/Mom

SIL's Response:

Hi MOM,It's not fair and it is very disrespectful that you choose to make a decision on our behalf to tell a date that is not correct when we asked you not to tell a specific date. When I talk to you I feel like you don't hear me. Instead you give me a whole condescending lecture on how I should be doing things. This is very discouraging for me. The 15th is not a correct date. And as you know better than me, babies can come 20 days late AND the reason is, that they are not late, but because in the first place their due date was not correct.In every country birth is a joyous event and people want to know but they are also patient and don't try to control what's out of their control. Questions like this create anxiety in me. I would be a lot happier if you respect our birth wishes/ one of which is not to tell a specific date/ This is paramount for me and for the better communication between you and me. Everyone will know when the baby comes but you have to respect our birth wishes because this is my birth. I don't need advice on how things are done. And there is nothing wrong in doing things in a different way than the times you gave birth. Please don't tell me again of how things were done, or how I should do them because this is not about your birth. I am sure when it was time for your birth you made your own decisions. Right now I need most of all support in my decisions and understanding without judgement. This is my last attempt to communicate information to you. If that fails and I receive another e-mail from you in the same judgemental, advisory manner I will give up. BRO and I are grown-up people and you should start treating us like that which includes respecting our decisions, not questioning all the time and hearing what we have to say. If you don't do that, there will be a total lack of communication between us. And I don' t think that is good for the baby and for all of us. SIL

My mother's response to the above:

SIL, BRO NEVER asked me not to disclose a date. He mentioned only that there was some uncertainty about the date, and then mentioned the 15th. This whole topic has gotten way out of proportion. The first I heard there was an issue about the date was from you, in an email. I read me email again, and to me it sounds very positive. Where is it negative? I would really like to know. I prefer conversations in person or on the phone than email, because I feel they are warmer and less judgemental. Last time I called the house, about a week ago, I asked to speak with you and you refused to come to the phone. This is not the first time that has happened. Who doesn’t feel heard and respected now? I look forward to talking this through tomorrow, and hopefully coming to better consensus. Thanks,MOM

And finally this response from SIL:

Hi MOM,You may prefer phones but I prefer e-mail because when words are put down they have a lot more meaning to me. And you can go back and contemplate on them.I asked you about the birth wish, even if BRO didn't ask you. This shows me how much respect you have for me. Respect is not only about words but most importantly about actions. This is my last e-mail to you. And this really makes me sad. From now on I will not attempt to show you how I feel, because you don't really want to know.Even if you don't think that your e-mail is condescending, you are sending it to me and I am letting you know that it is condescending, from the very beginning. If you can't hear that, this is sad. Another sad thing is that you cannot grasp how disrespectful it is to us that you ignore our wish about the birth date/it doesn't matter who asked you BRO or I ; we are one family/.One more time you showed me that you are not able to understand and be open to how I feel. Instead, again, you tell me how right you are in your mind. It's not about you, MOM, it is about how BRO and I feel and you having the capacity to look inwards and understand that. Yes, last time I refused to talk to you on the phone and do you know why, because I was going to the bathroom to do number two an Sam walked in the room announcing that somebody needs to talk to you. BRO had just arrived from work and was sleeping because he had worked saturday day, and evening, and sunday. You know nothing about our life and it is none of your business. But you are quick to jump into conclusions acting like a rejected child. So please act like a mother -be supportive without meddling in our life and passing opinions that nobody asks about.And if you feel like I don't want to talk to you on the phone, there is an explanation. Talking to you is like talking to the radio. You just keep talking and you listen but you don't have the patience to hear . You never hear what I have to say, you are ready to give advice without being asked for, you incessantly ask questions, and cut me off when I start telling you something and ultimately I don't find you sincere to me. Would you want to talk to someone like that?!?!This is how I feel if you care to know. Not only me, Dylan feels like this too. Ask him if you want. Nothing is out of proportion. we've always felt like this but we never told you because we are nice. Now we are telling you because you are way out of hand making decisions despite our request. If you ask me about something I would make sure to respect that and not make my own decision and tell people what I feel like.Treat people the way you want to be treated. You haven't been treating us very well, we've just been respectful to you not to let you know. I am pregnant and I need calm now. Be more understanding and leave us some peace! Please don't write back. Thanks, SIL.

My Final Thoughts:

1) Yes, I am writing this to blow off some steam, but if you had to deal with this woman, wouldn't you be a bit pissed too?

2) How selfish can someone be that they use their child as a bargaining piece? Thinking back to my life, interaction with my grandmothers was one of the most important factors in my development into an adult.

3) Can you really take this woman seriously?

In closing, what the fuck should I do to deal with this collossal bitch? I've tried ignoring the woman, but perhaps you have some prior experience that I can draw on to make things a bit easier.